I notice when I am not connecting with people, because they avoid my eyes when I am not in my center. Unfortunately there is no force urging me to relax, I don't seem to have the emotional capacity to care whether I am myself or nor. Sometimes I wonder if I'll be stuck in my gead, and although I'm starting to find it interesting, knowing the link between being myself, and what energies people receive, I would much rather jut be me all the time. But I am still most of the time in my head, not kniowing what I would be doing if I were in my center,; not really caring, and almost accepting my void. I feel as if I'm constantly confined but I do not even remember what is outside the box. I haven't been in my center for a long time now. Actually that's probably not true, but when I am in my center, I am not evaluating anything as much, and it doesn't file. I need to stop getting therapy. .

I've been hangning out with my friend Mikey, who for the past months I have felt very alienated from, because I have different opinions about drugs. I have been comfortable with him lately, and comfortable with a lot of people. I smoked cigarettes with cigarette smokers, and I talked with a lot of strangers, but I had to, cause I crashed my car. (Details on that later.) I think that I am less stressed out, but also notice That I do not talk to people, or go out of my way to talk to people like I did when I was stressed about not being in my center. I feel as if I'm losing that line. I want to be able to center and be me, which I tend to be able to do if I am in the right situation with the same people for a while. But still I miss a sense of sovereignity.

I am listening to a pyschological treatment lecture, and I am wondering whether to just get medicated.

School hasn't started yet, my mom woke me from the dreams I love so much more than waking. I started to feel as if a third party thought-voice was telling me everything and my thought voice is becoming negligent. Thoughts of "no, I don;t think I want that much attention" when I considered wearing my pizza hut uniform to school. Its like there's something sorting everything into positive and negative categories, and then one weak voice, every once in a while, "hey, no," to no avail. I feel depressed, I feel anxiety. I feel like I;m forgetting everyhing I wanted. I have the disorder where I think I have disorders. Then I thought about smoking a cigarette and then all of a sudden a ray of hope shined in, I do think It would change my day off well chemically, "but thats just the nicotine talking." More and more I feel like I have something like a split personalitym and now that this thought has reached the negative category, its sure to become more of a reality...

Mayve I should stop writing, giving this such a substantial place in my mind. I chose not to wear the pizza hut thing. And I think I have to have a cigarette. off to school.


Actually before I leave, I have to express more thouroughly how insane I feel. Everytime I have a thought, I have an equal opposite thought, and then a third voice deciding which of the first two voices is correct, and what i "truly" beleive.

I was having a discussion with my friends, and they said they think that what I have is anxiety, treatable with anxiety medication. I just thought of a parralel that this could apply to. Often my heart is racing when I am not in my center -- but actually its just as often normal. Perhaps my anxiety is caused by losing my center, or the other way around -- but maybe neither is true. I think it is possible that I do have it. I drew parallels between "being the hunted" or "the hunter" and my gameplay ability is weither terrible or amazing. It is more difficult to pinpoint in something as complex as social interaction, because there are so many contributing factors such as mood, peope, but then again, when I am in my center, there seems to be absolutely no factors at all. It feels natural, inhibitions as loose as when you drink. Strangely though, today I felt far less undermined by my peers, but I also felt as if I was on autopilot, but it wasn't quite genuine. I observe people's reactions to myself, but I seem to be less aware of my own anticipation. I don't believe this is a positive thing, bevause there is almost a psychic link between opening your hear with someone + being natural. I used to be more stressed by my awareness of my anticipation, and this stress would drive me to relax, and would allow me more occasions in which to be me.

I might as well take my time in this class to think about how I feel. I am not being closed in, as if I am in my "comfort zone." I feel more like avoiding cognitive dissonance. It feels more like I am just accepting defeat, as my silence tkaes the places of my nervous excitement. But at the same time, I know I must be in my head, but I don't have a trigger to my center. I think the conversation is too personal. I dunno whether to accept my introversio as normal, or whether I would be trying to get in the conversation. Saturday night, I felt mostly anger and disgust, towards other other people and myself for being angry. It was like confidence, btu I didn't care for talking. It was as if I was angry vecause I was tired, (usually due to the stress of being in my head) but unaware of what really was making me so. I think I am avoiding eye-contact. I;m avoiding the stress that comes with shifting to my center -- But I Don't want to fake smile or anything. Is not talking to someone I dont know too well normal? Sometimes I would speak to strangers. I just don't feel like laughing, trying to smile or trying to laugh.