Recently I've made a lot of descriptions for the states of minds that I tend to move towards. I call them states of mind simply because I ahve made them so by reinforcing such a label on a relatively nonexistent state. I go into states of panic which I call "stress" or "stressing", in which I am apprehensive to the point of not being able to function, interact with, or even notice the external world and people around me. I have difficulties realizing time has passed because I am so often outside, or inside for that matter, of a anxious bubble that I spend far less time using my brain. Instead my brain performs repeatetive and unnessesary functions such as degrading and denying positive thoughts that are in actuality true. Stressing, I have decided, ultimately leads to relaxing, which is finally being able to interact with the outside world with a recovered sense of self. I suppose I would say that theyre are certain extents to the "stress", which when relaxing is done mentally, leads to "forcing." Forcing is a state much like "stressing" in that neither truly appreciate the real world or real interpretations, but is different in that instead of being apprehensive to the point of freezing up and appearing lost, I attempt to interact with the world with an underlying preoccupation of negative thoughts, apprehension, and a lack of a sense of self.


This is an accurate definition of something that doesnt exist. It doesnt exist, because the only reason now that am stuck in these states, or perhaps even that I enter them in the first place, is because I have created a solid thing in which I can expect a pattern of things to occur.

I wonder sometimes thouugh, that this constant battle is a constructive engagement. I have allowed myself to not think about my "stress" or my "forcing" or my state of mind, but I find that I am reverting to my disguting ways, and am treating them as if they are normal. I am not as happy as when I stress and then relax. The relaxed state is a great hapiness that I suppose I have always had before this sort of veil of negativity set in, and the stress is a way to see it. Though, where "relaxing" takes me seems to be very context dependent. It seems that I either relax into a sort of comfortable unaware but not highly emotional state, or into perfect confidence and hapiness.

Usually I would say that this is where I am going to stop thinking so much, because this is all pointless. But I wonder what state Im going to relax into. Thats all bull. I just need to relax.