This is day 5 of Wellbutrin. Last year I refused to even take it home from the psychiatrist because I found that drinking more than two drinks in any one day was dangerous because it lowered the seizure threshold. I haven't been drinking much at all this semester, so I decided that if this is going to make me happier, I might as well give it a try. This is day 5, and for the past five days I've been obssessively thinking about how the medication is affecting me, which might be some sort of negative placebo effect that intensifies my conditions. Either way, I think that I have been feeling more socially anxious than I have been since I've stopped taking Stratterra. I feel that perhaps I actually had solved my problems, and that I no longer need to take medication. But that's always the question. There is however a reason that I think that it might actually be the drug rather than me overthinking and pretedning that its increasing the anxiety. Today, when at lunch, I stood in a 15 person line at Sbarro to get the last pepperoni stromboli, and the person right in front of me grabbed the last one. So I headed to Chik-Filet, and ordered my usual: two spicy chicken sandwiches. I waited there for 15 minutes, and felt the need to repeat the order numbers the employees were struggling to communicate to their customers. I felt immediately awkward. Why had I done that? One symptom that I experience when I am anxious is acting suddenly and without thinking, and instantly realize that I had embarrassed myself. I feel that this was starting to subside, and its weird to see the behavior return. When I got my food, I found the one seat in the entire lunch room it seemed. I sat down and opened my sandwich, only to find that it wasn't spicy. So I had to return the sandwiches and exchange them. The cashier told me that I had asked for a regular chicken sandwich. Never. I must have been timid in making my order clear, and I feel as though it was because of how I acted that she assumed that I had been the one to make the mistake. This assumption is in itself a strange thought, in which I become responsible for everything everyone does. I have not thought like that for a long time. When I went to go eat my sandwiches, the one spot in the lunchroom was taken. So I left and headed towards my class. I headed towards the hall where I usually sit before class, and instantly, reflexively spun around without even a seemingly conscious decision. I realized what I had done when I was already walking away and had to continue walking to pretend that I had any reason to be leaving. This is the reason I don't think that I am imagining what the drugs are doing to me. I don't know if my symptoms are supposed to increase before they get better. Also this drugs says that it may take up to a couple of weeks before symptoms improve. Could I be imagining this? If not, and if these are side-effects indicating that I should stop taking the medication, I hope that this trial doesn't undo all the social-anxiety coping skills that I developed without the use of medication. I wish doctors could really convince me that they know what they're doing.

I have stopped taking Strattera as of today. I still feel all the things I have described in previous posts, but I hope they will begin to subside. An interesting thing happened last night. I took NyQuil before bed and experienced tracers! I waved my hands in front of my face and the tracers were very visible. Weird. One regular dose of NyQuil. I'm going to keep writing about the symptoms decreasing, and I am also going to see psychiatrist tomorrow.

Went to bed at like midnight last night with the awesome help of NyQuil Cold and Flu. Awoke in the morning to pee at 8:20am full of energy, 20 minutes before my alarm was scheduled to go off. I was starting to think I was actually going to have a energetic and good day. I went to school and started trying to pay attention in class and I hadn't done the reading for class for the first time. So I can't exactly compare the experience in terms of how involved I was. All I know was that I wasn't compelled to talk or contribute, that there seemed to be an increased comfort level in silence and listening. People seem to talk more than usual, or I am just not interrupting as much. All through class I was trying to even look at people while they spoke but every time I would move my eyes left or right I would get extremely light-headed and dizzy. Almost as if my head were a balloon tied down to the heavy weight of the rest of my body. I felt like passing out during the entire class. I did add my two cents once and my heart starting racing ridiculously fast but I didn't quite feel anxious because it was as it I wasn't totally occupied with the panic. I did suddenly feel out of breath for no reason though. I feel like I'm not totally into my interactions with people, and that things are sort of automatic. I do respond and think, but I feel like there's something missing; I'm not thinking enough. I wonder if people notice or think its more pleasant talking to this new zombie version of me, or they miss the quirkiness that I exhibited randomly before. I feel as though I'm less funny. That all my emotions are less polar. Everyone is walking much faster than me everyday. I used to be whizzing past the others but again I feel slowed by this drug. I also don't feel more motivated. I cringed at the thought of doing and kind of paper, when before, without any drugs, school was no real big deal. Also there is a programming project assignment which I usually do the day it assigned, but for some reason now I don't feel like doing it. Work seems like it would be really difficult. I am going to try and do my programming project which should be easy and enjoyable. Also gave up on the penis, it is a useless small organ that dangles between my legs now.

I went to bed last night at 4am, after watching the Shining in 1080p. I thoroughly enjoyed the movie and then got ready to sleep. My dreams were the same as earlier in the day, where I wasn't actually asleep. My dreams involved many entities that were all trying to achieve the same means but competed needlessly with each other. I would experience each entity's will and plan and then wake up, and fall back asleep and dream about another one. I can't exactly remember what the dreams were about though I felt as though I had been "asleep" for at least 8 hours, and when I awoke, I was wide awake, and I looked at the clock, and it was only 7:00am! I had been not fully asleep for the past three hours in which each minute must have been elapsing in real-time, because I felt like it should be at least 4 hours later. I jacked off this morning, and had the same experience. Difficult to get an erection, some premature fluid and then for the real orgasm once again wasn't as powerful, it didn't make me sleepy as it usually does, and the ejaculate was like a leaking water fountain, the fluid thin and watery.

After suffering last night, and being able to watch my bodily functions start to operate in an unusual manner, I don't think I can continue using this drug. I cam going to call my psychiatrist now.

UPDATE: My Psychiatrist doesn't remember who I am, or what I am on, so I tell him and all he says is that I seem concerned and If I am "freaked out" stop taking it, but that the reason they ramp up dose gradually is because side-effects tend to decrease gradually. So I guess Ill drop my dose to [10mg] for the next few days. I am going to pop one now.

- STRATTERA -

Second day starting Statterra [20mg]. I was able to obtain an almost full erection the first time I wanked today. I had more difficulty obtaining orgasm than usual, though I felt almost nothing when I did. The only real proof I had were the fluids. Later, I had sexual urges once again, which is normal. Only I could not get an erection. I could not even get it halfway hard. Frustrated, and worried, I kept at it for an hour, and eventually it started to get some blood into it, and I started actually feeling pleasure from it. I only achieved a full erection when I eventually orgasmed. The orgasm was less pleasurable than normal, but lasted longer. The contractions didn't last longer but a sustained feeling of orgasm lingered, and then turned into a feeling of needing release, as though my orgasm hadn't completed. Then I tried to pee, and it felt like by suing muscles I normally use to pee, I would finish the orgasm. So I tried to pee, and the feeling increased, but the pee never came, so I eventually left the bathroom, and the feeling went away.

I've already had some difficulty peeing prior to taking the medication. I would feel as though it took a lot longer than it should, and the end of the stream was too weak to prevent pee from leaking onto my penis to drip into the toilet. Or sometime I would emtpy all of it, try to be sure it was all gone, and as soon as I put my penis away, a small amount would drip into my underwear. This was starting to subside, or I was finally learning to be more careful.

I also feel extremely unmotivated to go to work, or start any homework. I don't know if I can attribute that to the drug, or maybe I am procrastinating and using side-effects as an excuse. I haven't done much of anything today however. I haven't even played games or do anything to entertain myself.

This morning I was almost too unmotivated to consume my protein shake for breakfast like I do every day in order to stay fit. I should be eating something else right now, but I'm not hungry and I don't really feel like doing anything.

I don't feel depressed really, I just feel like today is a day. A day that is unconnected to anything else. I received payment for my item on ebay, but I thought, hey maybe I should figure out how long it will take to arrive, depending on what shipment i choose, before I tell them "thanks I will ship your order on the 7th." But I don't feel like calculating that, I dont even feel like looking online. I don't feel sad but I don't feel like doing anything at all. I'm too lazy to even surf the internet and learn new things, or play Rock Band. I don't feel like reading for leisure, or even watching a movie or TV.

(I have a sore throat today, but I don't think this is related to the medication. I started showing symptoms the day before I started taking Strattera. Also I am very cold and no one else is. I probably have a fever.)

Update:I spent the last two hours feeling not really tired, but when I decided to do something I felt like sleeping. So I started to situate myself on the couch to read, and read around 5 pages before I noticed I was dosing off and so I put my Kindle down, and laid on the couch for a while, dreaming but not quite asleep. I eventually got up, not feeling as though I had slept and moved to the bed, where I did the same thing for another hour. Occasionally thinking I should get up but feeling as though I was living out more interesting and immersive events when I closed my eyes. I was dreaming I was talking to people, doing things, resolving issues, and having fun. But although I enjoyed it, I decided to get up to write this. I don't feel anymore rested or tired than before. And I have accomplished nothing today at all. I wonder if I'll sleep.

Its been a while. Quick post. keep a log of how I'm feeling. I just got anxiety medication and have been taken .125 mg 2x a day. I took some really late last night, and 11 hours later I woke from terrible sleep. I was anxious, the characters I interacted with were stressed out. Usually my dreams flow like good movies and every character is really feeling based on whats going on, and the dream felt incredibly disconnected and shallow-plotted. I am always thiking about the medication and what its doing to me. I wonder if I'm socially different. I wonder If I talking more but saying less. I think less, but does the fact that it feels like Im spending less time on each thought (it feels like none at all.) mean that the quality of those thoughts are reduced? Maybe I should try to stop thinkng about having taken the drugs. Maybe that is really what is making me change my personality. Maybe the fact that I know that Ive taken them makes me want to act more outright more upfront in social situations and maybe I just havent allowed myself to keep my introverted thought forming because I'm constantly expecting the drug to have strong effects. But on the other hand maybe the drug is detrimental to quality thoughts, and maybe I enjoy spending a lifetime weighing the pros and cons of everything and knowing nothing.